I'm sure just about anybody could name five or six things in this world they could simply do without - nuclear arms, Jello-shots, Republicans - and today I'd like to take this opportunity to suggest the cultural purging of one of this nation's nostalgic embarassements: the ice-cream truck.

In its defense, I (like many Americans) feel a sense of nostalgic bliss when reminiscing about my childhood, and the insta-societies that would spring up momentarily around these moving mini-circuses. Kids would crowd the service window, edging for position with change held aloft like some mosh pit, finally getting the chemical reinforcement (sugar high) for enduring the experience of obtaining these sweet confections...

..alas, I'm not a child anymore, and I'll be goddamned if anybody else's kids are going to have fun or co-opt my own childhood by having thier own. SO....

...let's face reality. It's not 1964 anymore. The novelty treats that found a home for decades in the specialized marketing and distribution systems that were ice-cream trucks of days yonder are now found at practically every gas-station convenience store or your chain-grocers. Practically every home has a freezer, so there's no need to run out of one's house at a moment's notice to buy (now) overpriced run-of-the-mill sugar bombs.

And they're fucking noisy. How many goddamn times can any one person listen to the first 24 bars of "Maple Leaf Rag" played by a four-note sine-tone computer blasted for an 8-block radius? And it's not like they're even trying anymore, dropping all pretense in favor of something of a moving vault, complete with iron window rails and reinforced doors (apparently to prevent the vehicle from appearing remotely attractive), and it seems they're constantly staffed by shifty Middle Eastern men who seem to be thinking "God (Allah), what was I thinking?!?!?"

If you have a few spare moments today, contact your local officials or a state representative, and ask them to pass a law legalizing the public desecration of ice-cream trucks.

/soapbox.